


Of The Boston Chambers

by bloodredcherries



Category: Cheers (TV), Frasier (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 12:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodredcherries/pseuds/bloodredcherries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Seattle Cranes had gotten the wedding invitation four weeks previously, and for four solid weeks they had been trying vainly to process its contents, hoping that Frasier would call them up and tell them that it was a farce, that he wasn’t really marrying Diane Chambers [of the Boston Chambers, the invitation had taken care to note]. For once, both Niles and his father were in agreement about something, and that impossibility was too good to pass up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of The Boston Chambers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nomad (nomadicwriter)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomadicwriter/gifts).



The Seattle Cranes had gotten the wedding invitation four weeks previously, and for four solid weeks they had been trying vainly to process its contents, hoping that Frasier would call them up and tell them that it was a farce, that he wasn’t _really_ marrying Diane Chambers [of the Boston Chambers, the invitation had taken care to note]. For once, both Niles and his father were in agreement about something, and _that_ impossibility was too good to pass up. 

 

They positively _had_ to dissolve the relationship. Even if it was because Martin Crane was annoyed that marrying a local woman would mean Frasier would never come visit again, while Niles Crane was positively _seething_ over the fact that his older brother had trampled over numerous ethical codes.

 

Unfortunately for them, operation Diane Sucks [Martin had named it, you see, he would have picked something more eloquent, and less borderline obscene] had hit an immediate roadblock when his mother had threatened to _kill_ the woman. Apparently simply getting Frasier to _cease_ his most improper relationship was too simple for the woman that had raised them -- and named them after her favorite lab rats -- to do. 

 

No, she’d had to introduce potential _violence_ to the concept, which had led to a positively irate phone call from his older brother, and had, naturally, lead to Plan B.

 

Martin and Frasier were no longer speaking to one another as the result of _that_ plan, the failure of which Niles could have seen coming a mile away. There was a reason Frasier and Nannette had divorced, after all. 

 

After a thoroughly predicable and rather trite fight between him and _both_ no-longer speaking-to-Frasier-parents, he had found himself unceremoniously dropped at the airport with a one-way ticket to Boston. 

 

To say he was not enthused -- and rather annoyed at being known as Plan C -- was putting it mildly.

 

Niles didn't understand why Frasier was breaching his professional conduct in such an improper manner, anyways. Diane had been his _patient_ and to firstly involve himself in a relationship with her in any way was improper, and secondly, _proposing_ to her was even more so.

 

Sometimes his older brother’s disregard for psychiatric principles boggled his mind. And honestly, principles aside, what had happened to his _common sense_? The woman had been a patient in a _sanatorium_ of all things! _His patient!_

 

Niles wondered if the vast quantity of time his older brother spent in the bar he had managed to find his way to had warped his brain. 

 

Still, he steeled himself for the worst, and opened the door.

 

“Bennett Ludlow is a _wonderful_ catch,” a blonde woman who was serving tables said to her fellow waitress, and Niles really hoped there were two Bennett Ludlows in the world, and that she _wasn’t_ talking about Frasier’s mentor. 

 

“There's some things he doesn't know about me,” the other woman replied, wiping her hands on her apron. 

 

 **“** Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?” 

 

 **“** Well I haven't been _completely_ honest about my kids,” she replied, and he noticed her evasive tone. 

 

 **“** What haven't you told him about your kids?” The blonde asked, rather atonally, and he suspected she was the wonderful Diane. 

 

 **“** That they live,” she cracked, as the blonde pulled a face. 

 

“Carla,” she chided, setting a tray full of glasses on the bar. “You really won’t be able to hide them forever. Bennett is a _very_ smart man. Frasier -- ”

 

“Oh, yes, _Frasier_ ,” the brunette -- _Carla_ , Niles remembered -- replied, rolling her eyes. “Yes, I get it, Stick, he’s perfect. Perfect lovely Frasier who you met in the looney bin.”

 

“It was a _restoration_ ,” she insisted, hands on her hips. “Honestly, why does everyone keep saying that like it’s such a bad thing!”

 

“Restoration, schmestoration,” was the reply, as Niles scanned the room for his older brother, vainly hoping he’d spot him. “You were _locked up_ ,” she cackled. “You pulled a nutty over _Sam Freakin’ Malone_.” 

 

“I did _not_ ‘pull a nutty’, as you so _crudely_ refer to it,” she said primly. “I merely needed some time away from everything in a safe place, where my needs would be tended to. It was _not_ a nuthouse.”

 

 

“Then why were there Harvard trained psychiatrists there?” Carla inquired, and even Niles -- who had been in the bar at most five minutes -- could tell her sweetness was faked.

 

“Just -- just -- mind your own business, okay? My relationship with Sam was none of your concern and my relationship with Frasier _is_ none of your concern!” 

 

With that, the woman -- Diane, his soon to be sister-in-law -- stalked away from her coworker and approached his table, plastering an obviously faked smile on her face.

 

“ _Welcome_ to Cheers,” she said, slamming his menu down on the table. “I am Diane Chambers, your waitress for the evening, since you _chose_ to not sit at our _perfectly acceptable_ bar. Happy hour starts in _five_ minutes. _No_ funny business.”

 

 

***

 

 

Niles was finding being Plan C to be _incredibly_ boring, if he was entirely honest. His older brother was nowhere to be found -- not that he really blamed him, to be perfectly honest, _he_ would have had better places to be than the Cheers bar himself -- and his _white zinfandel_ [he had made the apparent error of picking the Coach’s, whoever that was, favorite] was getting _warm._ The only mildly entertaining part of his evening thus far had been the continued sniping between the two waitresses, who _clearly_ had no love lost for one another.

 

“Oh, look,” Carla said, pointing at the entranceway. “There’s your knight in shining armor now.”

Niles made the error of getting his hopes up, though they were quickly dashed when he noticed that Diane’s face was turning an angry red color _and_ when he realized that it was _highly_ unlikely that his brother had managed to turn into a _baseball player._

 

“Sam is _not_ my ‘knight in shining armor’,” Diane informed her in a hiss. “The two of us are just _friends_ , nothing more.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what they all say. Every last one of them. At least Sam’s mother never tried to kill you.”

 

Niles felt himself redden profusely. He inwardly cursed himself for not taking the _rational_ route and insisting he be Plan _A_. 

 

At least he wouldn’t have thought to involve guns! 

 

“Now, come on, Carla,” a male voice interjected. “It’s not Diane’s fault that Frasier’s mother doesn’t like her.”

 

“Doesn’t _like_ me?” Diane demanded. “Sam, _Carla_ doesn’t like me, she doesn’t threaten to _shoot_ me!”

 

“And what about his dad?” Carla taunted. “ _He_ didn’t like you either, and _he’s_ not some hoity-toity head case doctor like Frasier and his _mommy_.”

 

“ _Bennett_ is a psychiatrist as well,” Diane replied primly. “And he is currently engaging in conjugal visits with _you_.”

 

“That’s because _he_ has taste. Who would pick _you_ over _me?”_

 

“A person who values their partner having a working knowledge of birth control.”

 

“Diane,” Sam said warningly. “That’s not nice.”

“What’s not nice is Carla making her _comments_ about me and Frasier, Sam.”

 

“It’s not Carla’s fault his parents don’t like you,” he replied. “Besides, who _cares_ what they think? If Frais is happy with you, who _cares_ what his parents think?”

 

“ _I_ care,” she insisted. “I care very much, Sam, you know me. I want my future in-laws to cherish me as the pearl that I am.”

 

Niles couldn’t help but choke on his sip of wine. He wondered if his brother knew he was engaged to marry a _narcissist_. 

 

“Pearl?” Carla interjected. “Yeah, you’re the one that the oyster forgot. What’s with fancy pants over there?”

 

“I’m fine,” Niles insisted, as the baseball player started to approach him. “Just a tickle...”

 

“You know,” he said, crossing his arms. “You remind me of someone.”

 

“I do?” Niles asked, faking innocence. “Who might that be?”

 

“Ugh,” Carla interjected, disgust written on her face. “You _talk_ like that pompous _jerk_. Why don’t you go out with _him_?”

 

“Because he isn’t _Frasier_! Stop trying to set me up for romantic and personal failure! I am engaged to marry a-- _the_ man that I love, and you will _not_ ruin that for me.”

 

“ _A_ man that you love?” Niles asked, before he could stop himself. 

 

“Oh, what’s it to _you_?” Diane demanded. “I simply misspoke! People misspeak all the time! What do you care, anyways? You’re just a _stranger_. You flew in from out of town, probably on some business trip, and you ordered a glass of wine to pass the time, and you haven’t even drank that. You’ve just been _watching_ us. Like we’re a television program for you.”

“He really reminds me of someone,” Sam repeated. 

 

“Would you _be quiet_ ,” she implored. “I am trying to figure out why Mr. Silk Suit even _cares_ about our menial lives. I don’t care if he reminds you of somebody! Everyone reminds you of somebody! You _run a bar._ ”

It was at that point -- Niles had been about to plead simple curiosity and slink out of the bar -- that, of course, his dear older brother finally made an appearance. 

 

“What a day I had,” Fraiser told the group, oblivious to all the tension. “All sorts of clients with the most _bizarre_ cases, and naturally Bennett was no help, he kept harping on this _Italian_ goddess he’d met the other day at a _truck rally_ , of all the things.”

 

“See?” Carla said smugly. “Bennett thinks I’m an Italian goddess.”

 

“Bennett doesn’t know you have _children_!” Niles exploded. “You have been leading a premier Harvard educated psychiatrist _astray_ by withholding information from him. Like psychiatrists from Harvard didn’t have their credibility take a major hit when ol’ moony eyes over here fell in love with Dr. Frasier Crane at her _“rest home”_!”

 

“It was _not_ a rest home,” Frasier interjected. “It was a _restoration_! Why does everyone think it is wrong for Diane and me to marry!”

 

“It is ethically wrong,” Niles hissed. “Why on _earth_ would you think anyone would approve?”

 

“Et tu?” Frasier asked, apparently finally recognizing him. “Just like Mom and Dad, you have to _ruin_ my happiness?”

 

“He reminds me of Frasier,” Sam informed them all. 

 

“That’s because he’s mini-Frais,” Carla snarked. “There’s _two_ of ‘em. This one’s just a smaller, scrawnier version that better watch out for my boys when he leaves.”

 

“She’s right, Niles,” Frasier said. “They do outweigh you and have several inches on you.”

 

“Frasier and I are in love,” Diane trilled, looping her arms around his older brother, and she shot him a nauseatingly besotted look. “Nothing will stop that.”

 

“I think it’s a terrible idea,” he insisted. “It’s morally and ethically wrong! I would sooner support the bizarre union of Carla and Dr. Ludlow. At least she wasn’t his _patient!_ And don’t even give me that story you gave the whole world about her _not_ being yours.”

 

“Get out,” Frasier said, hotly. “Get. Out.”

 

“It’s my pleasure,” he said drolly. “Enjoy your professional ruining.”


End file.
